DAY 1: RODNEY’S MISSION NOTE #1
Mission Notes PX4-692: Dr. Rodney McKay
Well, true to form, we’re screwed once again. It’s been eight hours since the Jumper went dead, as in completely and totally fried. I’ve tried every rerouting of power I can think to try to no avail. When the weapon hit us it started a chain reaction that blew every control crystal in the ship. What’s worse, when the ship went down, we crashed in a wooded area and the back hatch won’t open as it appears to be wedged against a stand of trees. Ronon was able to open it a few centimeters at the top with brute force so that we at least have fresh air coming in, but even he can’t take out a tree, so there is no way we can get out. We also can’t radio our location to any rescue party looking for us, and seeing as we’re probably forty miles from the gate, they’ll have a lot of ground to cover to find us… if they don’t end up shot down, as well.
The good news is that no one was seriously injured in the crash. Teyla ended up with a gash on her forehead and I’m pretty sure I have whiplash, but nothing that will incapacitate us… as long as I haven’t cracked a tooth. Note to self: check back molars when finished up here. Ronon, hell, he could have broken his back and would still be pushing on the back hatch trying to get us out. Then again, it could be an excuse to avoid thinking about what he had to do to Sheppard. No, the crash didn’t hurt any of us seriously, but an alien bow and arrow set had already done a number on Sheppard before we lost power.
When it became obvious we (as in *I*) wasn’t going to get the Jumper up and running anytime soon, Sheppard decided he wanted the arrow out of him, and he wanted it done immediately.
I’ve had an arrow in my ass, thank you very much. And I can tell you that it pretty much fucking hurts like hell. But I was looped out of my mind on morphine within about fifteen minutes of being shot and had Carson to remove the damn thing in a nice (relatively) sterile infirmary. Sheppard stuck it out for almost an hour before he told Ronon to either shoot him or take the fucker out. Ends up the fucker in question hadn’t passed all the way through and the barbed end would do more damage being pulled out than going in, so, yeah, fun times were ahead for us all. Suffice it to say, we got it out, got him bandaged up, and he’s, well, resting is as good a word as any, I suppose.
I’ve got one more thing to try with the Jumper before I lose the working light entirely, to see if I can use a secondary crystal as a bridge to at least power the radios to send an SOS, although the chances of that happening are about as good as Ronon pushing the tree out of the way. And in an effort to conserve battery power, I need to keep this entry short.
DAY 1: MISSION NOTES #2
Mission Notes PX4-692: Dr. Rodney McKay (continued)
It’s closing in on 1900 hrs Atlantis time, and probably about midnight here in Das Jumper. We still can’t get out and seeing as we’re only about an hour overdue back on Atlantis, Elizabeth is probably just now rounding up Lorne to come look for us. Sheppard is sleeping a little easier now, and we’ve been taking turns sitting with him so everyone can get some sleep. I took middle watch so that I can grab at least a few hours sleep again before the sun comes up and I can get back to work on the ship. Although, to be honest, I don’t think there is anything else I can do. Can I fix the Jumper? Yes, I can. I know exactly what the problem is and how to fix it. Do I have the parts I need to fix it? No, I don’t. And that’s where I’ve run out of alternatives.
Spontaneous generation of control crystals isn’t a benefit of ATA genetics, regardless if it’s natural or lab produced. Which is too bad, seeing as I could use about a dozen right now. Hell, I’d settle for one to get the radios up and running… or lights… or environmental controls. The temperature drops near freezing on this planet at night, and while the ship offers protection against the wind, it’s getting freaking cold in here. I’m starting to the think the extra blanket Sheppard is using for a pillow could possibly be put to better use, say, as in keeping the best chance for getting us out of this mess a little warmer so I don’t catch pneumonia.
It’s bad enough I’m trapped in close quarters with three other people. The human immune system is only so resistant, and the way these three interact with others in the gym, among the Athosians, the Marines, there’s no telling what they’ve been exposed to and I’m going to come dow
DAY 2: RODNEY’S MISSION NOTE#1
Mission Notes PX4-692: Dr. Rodney McKay (continued)
In attempt to occupy my mind with something else in hopes of having a fresh approach to the Jumper problem, I’ve decided to take Lt. Colonel Sheppard’s suggest and compile a list of all the things that could be worse than our current situation.
- Teyla ripping my brain out by my spinal column, as has already been established.
2. Ronon entering some Satedan version of Pon Farr before we can lock ourselves in the bathroom.
- Teyla liking the fact that Ronon enters Satedan Pon Farr.
- Sheppard liking the fact that Ronon enters Statedan Pon Farr.
- The alien moose sensing Ronon in Pon Farr and stampeding us to death when they bust through the window to get to him.
- Ronon liking the moose liking the fact that he is in Pon Farr.
- Being unable to remove the thought of Ronon entering Pon Farr from my mind.
- Some venomous insects, no, a snake! A venomous snake slithers in and bites us and we all die a slow agonizing death. Of course, Ronon would probably kill it and eat it raw… and not even offer to share. Stingy, snake-breathed bastard!
- Sheppard’s hair proving itself to be the sentient life form I’ve always suspected and killing us all in our sleep.
- Ronon’s hair battling Sheppard’s hair for ultimate supremacy… although that might be entertaining.
- I’ll die first and the others will eat my body.
- Ronon will die first and I’ll get a hairball from eating his body.
- Teyla and Sheppard will die first leaving me alone with Pon Farr Ronon with his snake breath and his despotic hair and I’ll eventually give in to the needs of a lonely, lonely man.
- I’ll die last. Because let’s face it, Sheppard’s wound could get infected and he’d be toast in a few days. Teyla barely has any body fat so she’d waste away in a few weeks. Ronon’s a big guy but it’s all muscle mass plus he’d probably go insane and I’d wake up one morning to find his wrists slit. And I’d be sitting here all by myself surrounded by the dead bodies of my friends waiting for a rescue that will never come, all because I can’t get this fucking Jumper operational.
On second thought, this wasn’t such a good idea.
DAY 2: JOHN’S MISSION NOTE #1 (WITH MINESWEEPER GAME)
Mission Notes PX4-692: Lt. Colonel John Sheppard
I got shot, we crashed, we’re trapped in the Jumper and it totally sucks. My arm huts, and it’s my personal opinion we should be allowed to carry much stronger pain medication in the medical kits in the Jumpers. We should also pack warmer blankets because it got pretty damn cold last night. We should also think of packing a couple of board games and some reading material to help pass the time in situations like this… and extra deodorant… and maybe some pillows.
So at this point, we’re basically waiting. Yep, just biding our time for a rescue or McKay to come up with some ideas or the native moose save us. So that about covers it for now.
DAY 2: RODNEY’S MISSION NOTE #2
Son of a bitch! That sneaky lying son of a bitch! Scouts honor my Canadian white ass! Mission report my ass! LYING NO GOOD SON OF A BITCH! I UNLEASH THE CAPLOCKS OF DOOM ON YOUR LYING SON OF A BITCH ASS!
Okay, technically, Sheppard didn’t play Tetris, but he did play Minesweeper and ran the battery down to less than FIVE FUCKING PERCENT!!!!!!! I wish to God I could take the exclamation points off this page and beat the living shit out THAT LYING SON OF A BITCH!!!!! Because the goddamn critical alarm is blinking and warning me the battery is about to go dead and it’s only a matter of time before the stupid thing goes into hiber
DAY 6: JOHN’S MISSION ADDENDUM
Mission Report PX4-692: Addendum
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, USAF
I offer the following additions/clarifications to the mission reports submitted by Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan, and Ronon Dex.
1. Cosmopolitan Magazine
a. Whereas it is true that the Zarwabi tribe did find the Cosmopolitan magazine in the Jumper when they captured Sheppard, McKay, and Emmagan, it should be noted that the periodical in question was being used in a strictly anthropological manner by Ms. Emmagan in her continued desire to learn more about Earth culture as it relates to women’s roles and perceptions in Western society.
2. Local Wildlife
a. Contrary to Dr. McKay’s assertion that Ronon Dex was responsible for delaying our escape from the crashed Jumper by feeding the local wildlife thus confusing the sensors of the Jumpers searching for us, he was, in fact, attempting to use the animals to assist in freeing us from the downed craft. In addition, it is my opinion, once again contrary to Dr. McKay’s, that the small amount of food fed to said animals was not enough to cause a “degradation in the normal feeding patterns of the deciduous wildlife,” nor is it “detrimental to the ecosystem as a whole” on the planet.
b. Dr. McKay claims that the team was in danger of starving to death as a result of Ronon Dex feeding the animal a single powerbar. In response to that comment, Ronon Dex stated in his report that Dr. McKay is a “greedy eating machine that could have lived for weeks on his fat stores alone.” Whereas both accusations may have basis in scientific fact, they should be stricken from the record as we were nowhere near reaching the point of starvation.
3. Additional Items
a. It should be noted that Dr. McKay and Teyla Emmagan were under the influence of various alien drugs during their negotiations with the Zarwabi tribe, which played a direct role in exactly what we agreed to provide them. However, given the circumstances, I do not find any of the demands or concessions extreme. In fact, we should take it as a compliment that the Zarwabi people are as interested in Earth culture and the role of women in Western society as our Athosian allies seem to be.
b. I would like to point out that I feel my team behaved admirably during this entire ordeal. To say we were in a difficult situation under both emotional and physical duress would be an understatement. I also have little doubt that the fact that I am still alive today is a direct result of the first aid and continued medical care that my team provided during our entrapment. Those facts should be taken into account when reaching any conclusions about the outcome of this mission.
c. I have no idea why Dr. McKay would feel the need to point out that I have pointy elbows and produce very little body heat, nor, as an officer in the United States Air Force, do I have any idea, whatsoever, how he would come to such a conclusion.