Okay, Koschka and I are back in action with a new Guide.
revised edition because, contrary to popular belief, Dr. Spock was not a Vulcan
child (chaild), noun, 1:a young human; baby2:a descendant 3: someone who acts in a childish or immature way. 4:one who is considered to be the natural product of particular times or circumstances.
Goon’s Addendum: Many of you may be wondering why we need to have a guide that addresses caring for children. After all, we are on a dangerous expedition, not running a daycare. And yet, how many times have you referred to your job as babysitting the Geeks? The fact of the matter is, Geeks and kids are a lot alike… temperamental, self-centered, always hungry, believe whining is considered a second language, and have a tendency for having to go to the bathroom at the absolute worst times. The good news is, just like with children, most problems with your assigned Geek can be solved with a snack, a new toy, and good old-fashioned distraction… plus, unlike an infant, you rarely have to change his diapers. As with little ones, do your best to keep your Geek away from open flames, sharp edges, and loaded weapons, although that isn’t always possible. And, keep in mind, chances are, if you can’t hear him, he’s up to no good, which is why you should never let your Geek out of your sight. Just remember that caring for your Geek isn’t rocket science, but it does require constant vigilance. It can be exhausting but it is equally as rewarding. A Geek can test your endurance, have your hair turning prematurely gray, and drive you to thoughts of violence. But with a little patience and hard work and forethought, your Geek will be a source of endless joy. And if all else fails, never underestimate the power of a pudding cup.
Geek’s Addendum: Goon’s can be among the most immature creatures in the universe. Big babies! They come across as all smug and know- it-all and ‘oh, Dr. Spock and Mr. Spock are two separate people.’ Well, of course they’re two different people. Christ! No self-respecting acolyte of the Holy Church of Rodenberry would make a rookie mistake like that. I mean, God forbid you refer to your Goon as a Kirk who treats every female he comes across as his own personal green-skinned Barbie in go-go boots and miniskirt. Actually, that would be an improvement over leather-clad bimbos who fancy themselves as fucking space pirates. Well, let me tell you something, Sunshine, you’re no Jack Sparrow. In fact, I’ve seen strippers with more panache... Hey, is that a ZedPM and pudding cup?
Omelets, diapers, Nana and Freud, and slash (but quiet slash while the baby sleeps.)
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