Okay, so I've had a rough couple of days. A really, really rough couple of days that's quickly turning into a rough week, in which I've been very down on myself. One aspect of that is that I'm convinced I absolutely suck as a writer. Believe me, this isn't the first time I've had one of these episodes regarding fanfic and I'm sure it won't be the last. In fact, one of the reasons I started this LJ was to get over a period when I was really ready to call it quits because of major self doubts but a few dear friends convinced me to try LJ and so, here I am. And just so you know, I'm not normally a psychotic, depressed person. I have a good life, happily married, wonderful kids, great friends, good job, all the stuff you're supposed to have and I'm generally pretty damn happy. But in a few weeks I turn 40 and, although that in itself doesn't bother me (in fact I've been looking forward to it), I think it's had me subsconciously reflecting on what I've done with my life and where I am, and unless you're an entirely optimistic person or have lots and lots of positive reinforcement in your life, that sort of thinking tends to bring up the negative. More than just writing, I'm looking at where I am professionally (have I painted myself into such a niche at work that I'll never be able to work any place else or do anything else?) and even physically (Goddammit! I am aging just like my mother!). And then I look at my writing and feel like I'm just mediocre and why can't I be really good. I'm not asking to be great, just really good. And why am I wasting my time if I'm not getting any better and in fact I feel like I'm getting worse? So, not only have I decided that the two fics I'm currently writing are pieces of crap, but everything I've written up to the point has sucked out loud and everything I ever write *will* suck, therefore, why even bother writing it because no one will read it or comment on it and I'm just wasting megabites on the internet? And it got so bad today that I left work early and came home with the intention of writing a post that basically said, so long and thanks for all the fish, I'm exiting stage left.
But then I was driving home listening to a CD I just made this past weekend of downloaded music and I had a copy of Viva Las Vegas by The Dead Kennedys. It's a version from the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas soundtrack and it has a snippet of dialog at the beginning and Johnny Depp voice comes on and I listen to it, then I replay it because I've never really listened to it before today to hear what it said.
Safety... obscurity... just another freak in the freak kingdom. We'd gone in search of the American dream, it had been a lame fuck around. A waste of time. There was no point in looking back. Fuck no, not today, thank you kindly. My heart was filled with joy. I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Algier, a man on the move, and just sick enough to be totally confident.
And for some reason that quote just struck home with me today. Because as much as that big ass part of me thinks that what I've been writing is a lame fuck around and waste of time, there's that little part of me that remembers that I have a few people who do take the time to comment regularly and do get excited when I post a fic. Hell, one wonderful person even bought me a permanent account on LJ so I could keep posting fics (and honestly, beloved anonymous benefactor, absolute guilt over wasting your money was a big part in me not walking away). So, I'm not going to look back and I'm going to keep muscling forward and do my damnedest to be happy with what I write and confident that those of you who do enjoy my fics will continue to do so.
So, why am I telling you all this? Because I'm sure it sounds like a plea for pity and sympathy and wah, wah, woe is me. And I really don't want it to be that. For one thing it's cathartic and way for me to work out my demons and you poor fools get to me my shrink. for the day *G* Because if I don't get this off of my chest to someone, I'm going to explode and who better than my flist and other fanfic writers to understand what I'm going through? But more importantly, I guess it's to say thank you to all of you who have stuck with me and taken the time to leave feedback and nominated me for various awards and voted for me in those awards and reccd my stuff and to just let you know that you guys are the *only* reason I write. I wish I could say that writing for myself is enough, but it's not. Even on good days I doubt the quality of almost everything I write, so I *need* to know what people think. There is always something that I think could have been better and I'm not happy with and wish I could improve it. But I'll continue to write what I like to write (and hopefully you do to), because that's the only way I *know* to write and as long as there are a handful of you guys who want to read it, I'll try to write it. It's also to let you know that I'm not sure when this particular rocky road I'm on will pass and there may be long spells in there without fic, or I may decide enough is enough and I'm tired of torturing myself and call it quits after all.
But, for now, I'm not looking back. Fuck, no, not today, thank you kindly.