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[icon] God bless Johnny Depp (aka how a random quote saved me from a total breakdown) - River's Run My Flow Of Ideas
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Subject:God bless Johnny Depp (aka how a random quote saved me from a total breakdown)
Time:04:58 pm



Okay, so I've had a rough couple of days.  A really, really rough couple of days that's quickly turning into a rough week, in which I've been very down on myself.  One aspect of that is that I'm convinced I absolutely suck as a writer.  Believe me, this isn't the first time I've had one of these episodes regarding fanfic and I'm sure it won't be the last.  In fact, one of the reasons I started this LJ was to get over a period when I was really ready to call it quits because of major self doubts but a few dear friends convinced me to try LJ and so, here I am.  And just so you know, I'm not normally a psychotic, depressed person.  I have a good life, happily married, wonderful kids, great friends, good job, all the stuff you're supposed to have and I'm generally pretty damn happy.  But in a few weeks I turn 40 and, although that in itself doesn't bother me (in fact I've been looking forward to it), I think it's had me subsconciously reflecting on what I've done with my life and where I am, and unless you're an entirely optimistic person  or have lots and lots of positive reinforcement in your life, that sort of thinking tends to bring up the negative. More than just writing, I'm looking at where I am professionally (have I painted myself into such a niche at work that I'll never be able to work any place else or do anything else?) and even physically (Goddammit!  I am aging just like my mother!).  And then I look at my writing and feel like I'm just mediocre and why can't I be really good.  I'm not asking to be great, just really good.  And why am I wasting my time if I'm not getting any better and in fact I feel like I'm getting worse?   So, not only have I decided that the two fics I'm currently writing are pieces of crap, but everything I've written up to the point has sucked out loud and everything I ever write *will* suck, therefore, why even bother writing it because no one will read it or comment on it and I'm just wasting megabites on the internet?  And it got so bad today that I left work early and came home with the intention of writing a post that basically said, so long and thanks for all the fish, I'm exiting stage left.

But then I was driving home listening to a CD I just made this past weekend of downloaded music and I had a copy of Viva Las Vegas by The Dead Kennedys.  It's a version from the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas soundtrack and it has a snippet of dialog at the beginning and Johnny Depp voice comes on and I listen to it, then I replay it because I've never really listened to it before today to hear what it said.

Safety... obscurity... just another freak in the freak kingdom. We'd gone in search of the American dream, it had been a lame fuck around. A waste of time. There was no point in looking back. Fuck no, not today, thank you kindly. My heart was filled with joy. I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Algier, a man on the move, and just sick enough to be totally confident. 

And for some reason that quote just struck home with me today.  Because as much as that big ass part of me thinks that what I've been writing is a lame fuck around and waste of time, there's that little part of me that remembers that I have a few people who do take the time to comment regularly and do get excited when I post a fic.  Hell, one wonderful person even bought me a permanent account on LJ so I could keep posting fics (and honestly, beloved anonymous benefactor, absolute guilt over wasting your money was a big part in me not walking away).  So, I'm not going to look back and I'm going to keep muscling forward and do my damnedest to be happy with what I write and confident that those of you who do enjoy my fics will continue to do so.

So, why am I telling you all this?  Because I'm sure it sounds like a plea for pity and sympathy and wah, wah, woe is me.  And I really don't want it to be that.  For one thing it's cathartic and way for me to work out my demons and you poor fools get to me my shrink. for the day *G*  Because if I don't get this off of my chest to someone, I'm going to explode and who better than my flist and other fanfic writers to understand what I'm going through?  But more importantly, I guess it's to say thank you to all of you who have stuck with me and taken the time to leave feedback and nominated me for various awards and voted for me in those awards and reccd my stuff and to just let you know that you guys are the *only* reason I write.  I wish I could say that writing for myself is enough, but it's not.  Even on good days I doubt the quality of almost everything I write, so I *need* to know what people think.  There is always something that I think could have been better and I'm not happy with and wish I could improve it.  But I'll continue to write what I like to write (and hopefully you do to), because that's the only way I *know* to write and as long as there are a handful of you guys who want to read it, I'll try to write it.  It's also to let you know that I'm not sure when this particular rocky road I'm on will pass and there may be long spells in there without fic, or I may decide enough is enough and I'm tired of torturing myself and call it quits after all.

But, for now, I'm not looking back.  Fuck, no, not today, thank you kindly.

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(Anonymous)
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:10 am (UTC)
Thanks for not leaving...I love your stuff- really, I check this site daily in hopes that a new jem has been posted. You take a a beautiful piece of work and give another point of view. Keep it up!
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 02:22 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm doing my best to muscle through this, it's just been rough this week. Here's hoping next week improves. *G*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


equusentric
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:14 am (UTC)
You can definitely count me in as one of those people who shrieks with glee whenever you post a fic. I can remember finding your archive page and spending AN ENTIRE WEEKEND reading everything you'd written up to that point. Seriously, aside from critter feeding, the occasional potty break, and about four hours of sleep, I didn't move from the computer until I'd read everything. I even read and loved the gen fic, when I didn't think I'd even like gen. I actually mentioned you by name in a post a short while back.

As someone who actually was a crappy hack writer and eventually gave up on it, I understand how you feel. But trust me...your fic is wonderful and as long as you keep writing it, there will be plenty of us more than eager to experience it. ♥
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 02:30 am (UTC)
LOL! I'm surprised I didn't get a chiropractor's bill in the mail because that's a long ass sit. *G* It's funny that you mention the gen fic because the first seaon I never even considered writing slash, I never read it and never thought of my fics as anything but pure friendship between the boys. And I kept seeing people ref to them as slashy gen and I was even nominated for a McShep award in the waaaay early days under preslash. So, evidently I was a subconsciously slasher from the get go. *G* But I'm so happy you enjoy the fics and you are definitely one of those people I can depend on to leave a little love and it really does mean tons to me that you do.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


tabby333
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:26 am (UTC)
I went through similar assessments and doubts when I turned 40. Keep focused on the future and find some measure of peace in the knowledge that you've entertained many and keep moving forward.

I always am thrilled when you post a new story. Don't stop!!
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 02:33 am (UTC)
You know, I really didn't think I was having a problem with turning 40. Some people lament and moan and I've been saying, cool! Let's have a party! I just hit this funk and I'm having trouble shaking it and one little doubt turns to twenty and gah! But thanks for the positive words and encouragement!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


negolith2
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:33 am (UTC)
First off, m'dear, please let me tell you that if it weren't for you and koschka, I would have never written fanfic. Both of you inspired me to snarky heights, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my goofy little heart. I only started writing SGA fanfic last June, and my AU monsterpiece has been nominated for a Skiffy. And I really owe it all to you two - you got the gears movin'.

And secondly ... you rock.

In a few weeks, when I first started getting into fanfic, I read the vast majority of your stories - from the first to the newest - and I was absolutely amazed at the progress in your style and quality. And, quite frankly, it just keeps gettin' better!! Your John & Rodney banter is some of the greatest out there, and if you ever did decide to quit .... Well, there'd be an awful lot of very sad people out there.

I turned 40 last year, and I'd been writing original stuff for twenty years now. My friends were my biggest supporters - my family, eh, not so much. (Matter of fact, my mom always has the same comments about the few things of mine she's read - very visual, but your characters cuss too much.) Since I started writing fanfic, and getting feedback from total strangers, it's given me a 1000% boost of confidence. So much so, in fact, I am going to still the shaking in my knees and submit something to an actual publisher this year. Yipes! So please, keep plugging away! As far as I'm concerned, life begins at 40!!

Think of us, your fans, as your own personal flock of cheerleaders! No pom-poms, tho - maybe a Corona or shot or two and cheers that would probably get us expelled from the gym, but very happy cheerleaders, nonetheless. Some may not comment, but I could probably bet a month's wages that they all at least snort a few times during one of your tales. :)

I know how that work thing can put you in a rut. I'm currently looking for an escape from my dead-end job, too. And I have to honestly say that the support from my readers has been the impetus to get my butt moving.

Your way with words is lurvved immensely. Don't ever doubt that!

=^.^=

(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 02:37 am (UTC)
Thanks so much! And congrats on the nomination! I really wish I had more time to read fic... hell, read *anything* but it just never seems to happen anymore. And I had started writing original stuff before I got into fanfic again but after watching what Robyn goes through with her publishing I don't think I could stand it. I'm not nearly tough skinned enough as you can probably tell. *G* But good for you for going for it and best of luck! I'll be rooting for you.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


bramble_rose
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:35 am (UTC)
I love your fic! But, I also enjoy reading about your kitchen renovation, what your kids did today, and how you feel about...anything!
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 02:39 am (UTC)
LOL! I try to keep the personal posts to a minimum because I figure they bore the hell out of everyone. So I'm so happy you get some enjoyment out of them. *G*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

tringasolitaria
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:35 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you're having a low time, but I'm glad you're feeling a bit better at the moment. You're definitely one of my favorite writers, and seeing a new story from you always puts a smile on my face. So definitely know you are appreciated.
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 02:40 am (UTC)
Thanks so very much. I'm not sure I'd say I'm actually feeling better but I think my stubborn streak has finally set in and I'm determined if nothing else.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


kodiak_bear
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:42 am (UTC)
You know, I gotta say, this post...well, it's been me since January. I mean, other than the 40 thing because I'm not quite there yet. The writing though, yeah yeah and hell yeah. It's really wierd because we are in a totally same head space and I had no idea you were there too 'cause you've been cranking out some great stuff (well you know, I commented on a couple I caught up with recently!)

And I think you're decision to keep on writing, to keep on doing because it's what you enjoy, that's where it's at.

But you are far more rec'ed than I think you are aware of! You are on a good number of rec lists which is really an accomplishment.

For me, selfishly, I don't want you to ever quit writing. I don't get everything read lately, my own funk to blame more than anything, but there are a few authors in my read and reread and yep, you're there!
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 02:48 am (UTC)
Well, you shouldn't have any doubts about your fic now with six SG fan awards under your belt, Miss Thang! *G* And I'm so happy you got that reinforcement because you so totally deserve it. As to writing alot lately... well, I think it's been a little desperation to *get* that reinforcement boost, and it's just not been coming. And this week has just... I don't know, I walked out of the house Monday morning, got halfway to work and realized I'd left my tea sitting in the house and just thought, this day is going to suck. And it has just seemed to go downhill since then. You know where I was a few years ago, well this time it just seems twice as bad. And I really was on my way home to make a final LJ post, I was even writing it out in my head, when I heard that snippet and said, this is sign! LOL! I'm just trying to suck it up now and stop getting teary eyed when I think about stuff and muscle forward. But thanks so much for the support you've given me over the years. It really does mean a lot.
(Reply) (Expand) (Parent) (Thread)


scificionado
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:50 am (UTC)
First, love your fics so please think twice before dropping the writing.
Second, I turn 50 this year. 40 is nothing, believe me. ')
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 03:01 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm going to do my best to stick in there. And really, I keep telling everyone I don't mind turning 40. I'm actually looking forward to doing it so it's not just hanging out there. But maybe its a subconscious thing. Good luck with your pending milestone. *G*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


piplover
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 02:06 am (UTC)
First off, let me chime in on the "You're a wonderful, wonderful writer," bandwagon. You're one of the few authors that I actually will get a zine for, and I look forward to whatever fic you may post.

Second - man, I totally understand about thinking your writing is crap. I hadn't written anything in forever, well over a year, when the Torchwood bug bit me, and at first it was great. Then the doubt started to creep in, and now I'm writing and rewriting the same scene over and over because all I can think is that it's crap. I think it happens to all of us, no matter how well the writing is.

So don't give up yet, we're all rooting for you! Take care, and hope things start to look a bit brighter tomorrow.

*Hugs*

(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 03:05 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! You're always one of those people that I can depend on and keep me going with the feedback and it really does make all the difference. I love Torchwood (although, season finale...bastards!) but I've never had the bug to write it but there's some in the zine I just tribbed to so I'm looking forward to seeing it.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

(Anonymous)
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 02:39 am (UTC)
Thank you for the gift of your writing. It has brought joy into my life every time I read and re-read your work. It's like sunshine.
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 03:06 am (UTC)
Awwww thanks so very much!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


margec01
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 02:47 am (UTC)
First of all, the SGA fan awards are out and I cheered when I saw your name in several places. http://www.stargatefanawards.com/2007/winners.php

Secondly, I love ALL your fics, so I'm glad you're feeling a bit better about it. I think good writers are their own worst critics--just like good actors, who know EXACTLY what they wanted to do, and may feel they've just missed it--by a little or a lot. However, we out here in reading or viewing land, just know that we love what was written or portrayed--and that it's GREAT! (Perhaps it could be greater--but perhaps so could Shakespeare. LOL)

I have to apologize for not giving feedback to your last few fics, but I've been bad giving feedback to everybody. The rat race of RL keeps so many of us spinning our wheels these days. Of your recent stories, I especially liked Sibling Rivalry and Thanks for the Memories. Great John and Rodney friendship stories are always wonderful. As I've said more than once, if all gen was this good, I wouldn't NEED to slash to enjoy the deeper relationship. Mind you, I'm not going to stop reading the slash anytime soon, though! LOL

Take care, and please keep on giving us our fix of your wonderful fics.
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 03:13 am (UTC)
Yeah I just saw the awards are out a little while ago. Unless I missed something, my name only appears once and I have to admit, I'm a little... embarrassed by that win. Not that I'm not grateful for everyone who voted for it but it's kind of fic screwed up on big time. After I wrote that fic, someone posted a comment pointing out all the canon screwups I'd made...and they were completely right in all of them. And I really toyed with removing that fic from the posting because the canon was sooooo messed up that I couldn't have fixed it without doing a total rewrite and every time I think of that fic, it reminds me of how bad I messed up. So the fics that could have won that I'm really proud of didn't, and the one I kind of want to forget i ever wrote won. See? It's just that kind of week. Snort.

But thanks so much for the encouragement and all the feedback you've given over the years. It really does mean a lot to me.
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winter_elf
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 03:09 am (UTC)
We all get doubts sometimes. Life is a big up and down. I'm glad Johnny Depp talked some sense into you - and you can step back and consider what's got you into a funk rather than abandoning your writing... because I would miss reading it - so keep struggling forward, and we'll be here to cheer.
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 03:16 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for the encouragement. I guess I'm just in a very deep valley right now. I'll come out of it eventually.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


crownglass39
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 03:20 am (UTC)
I'm glad you decided to stick with it because, seriously, your writing is the reason I am now a tried and true SGA fan. Their own writers couldn't pull me in and you succeeded spectacularly where they failed.
I, for one, would miss you like hell if you let it all go.
*hugs*
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:26 pm (UTC)
Thanks much for the encouragement. And my theory is thank God the show writers do screw up/ommit things because if they didn't, there would be no reason to write fanfic. *G*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


d_odyssey
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 03:44 am (UTC)
Count me in as one who jumps for joy, happy dances when I see a new fic from you, either gen or slash. You can write angst, h/c, humor - anything and it is all good, special love for you and Koschka's Geeks and Goons series. Seriously, you are being way too hard on yourself. I hit the wall you're talking about at 45 - completely out of the blue and totally unprepared for the emotions drudged up. Being an optimist, I just told myself, you can't change the past only learn from it and look forward, always ahead to new challenges/beginnings. Anyway, I hope the muses cooperate and please, give someone a chance to read what you've written before you trash it. I don't know that you could write something bad, you are a talented writer, who I look forward to seeing new stories from.
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:30 pm (UTC)
You know, to be perfectly honest, I think the hardest thing is when I do write something that I think is pretty good and it just gets a luke warm response. I mean, this post has recieved more comments than my last fic. LOL! So with feedback and the like being the only thing I can use to gauge how good a fic is and my writing overall, it's very easy to start doubting a fic I'm writing based on past responses to other fics. But thanks so much for the feedback you've given in the past and the encouragement.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


celes_ia
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 03:58 am (UTC)
*waves* Hi! I happen to be one of those readers who jumps for joy whenever you post something, but still hasn't managed to kick the teenage read-and-not-review habit. -_-;; I'm working on it, I swear. But that's not the point. The point is that I've been reading your fics since high school (In fact, its part of what got me through high school. I distinctly remember having a really crappy day and then coming home to a ff.net alert saying that you updated and having my whole mood suddenly do a 180.) And although I did lose track of you last year (I lost track of the whole SGA fandom actually, so I missed the move to LJ thing) I did manage to find this LJ 3 weeks ago. I've since spent most of my free time catching up on your fic, and basically rediscovering my love for Stargate: Atlantis in the process. So thanks for that.

Secondly, I love your writing, especially the way you portray John&Rodney and their friendship. Also, I usually don't read AU's that take the characters and plop them down into a totally different setting, but... Lets just say that my roommate was so not happy with me when I stayed up to an ungodly hour in the morning to finish reading "The Pegasus Device". *grins*

So here's to Johnny Depp, because if there's anything I've learned this past year is that I'd miss your fic if there was suddenly no more of it. Keep up the good work!
(Reply) (Thread)


liketheriverrun
Link:(Link)
Time:2008-05-08 01:33 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I think a lot of people missed that jump I made from fanfic.net to LJ. I posted a notice on my bio page but not many people read that I guess. *G* As to the AU... I have no idea where that came from because I'm like you and don't really care for them as a rule. But the idea hit me and wouldn't let go and I literally just held on for the ride with that one and now it's one of my favorite fics that I've ever written. So, thanks so very much!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

[icon] God bless Johnny Depp (aka how a random quote saved me from a total breakdown) - River's Run My Flow Of Ideas
View:Recent Entries.
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View:--liketheriver's fics at FF.net--. --likethekoschka's fics at FF.net--. --likethekoschka's LJ--. --River's Master Fic List--. --River's Twitter Fic Master File--.